Paint or Die

1.7.2025

There is an absurdity to making things that nobody asked for while the world is on fire. 

This lack of obvious justification for ‘art’ is a powerful obstacle to its creation. I feel this anxiety hugely. The destructive sense that art is ‘supplementary’ or ‘not needed’ manifests as a semi-conscious and conscious redirecting of energy into things that our harshly cynical, not to say myopic modern times deem more ‘useful’, AKA the endless pursuit of money! 

Unfortunately there are some people whose mental sanity and physical wellbeing requires that they create things. Equally unfortunate is that the quest for meaning through creativity doesn't perfectly overlap with the quest for money. It's kinda one or the other, matey. 

Personally, the ‘chase the money’ voice has caused me a lot of anxiety and psychological discomfort. It’s not like I’ve embodied it or particularly heeded it, rather, I have spent my entire adult life being nagged by it, trying to bat it off. Its persistent questioning undermines my choices and erodes my confidence and sense of calm purpose. It has obstructed a full-bodied pursuit of my dreams. I have been in a constant back and forth internal battle, on one side the desire to create and on the other the Monopoly man telling me to do something that will make me rich. 

Something changed recently which has allowed me to embrace my frugal future. I have picked 'my side' so to speak. Letting go of the need for reassurance for my financial future has had an unexpected upside. Accepting my 'pariah-hood' or 'outsidership' through my choices has allowed me to inhabit my role as an artist: as a result my energy, time and space is taken up by painting, writing, woodworking, video-making. I have never felt more whole or driven. It just feels right.

Despite having accepted that I won't be able to drink in pubs, eat out at chintzy restaurants or go to Disneyland, the reality of needing to pay for the basics persists. Alas, although I am prepared to live in my car I have not transcended money. One massive cost that weighs on me is how I'm going to rent a gallery space for the 100 Tigers finalé exhibition. The last three spaces I rented cost me dearly and they drastically underperformed in terms of footfall; big outlay, minimal return. I don't want to have to go through that again. 

So what am I going to do?

I'm going to build my own gallery..!

to be continued...